Men, on first dates, please don’t…

Though I’ve had about four relationships, two of which could be considered serious, I had to kiss hug a lot of frogs before meeting B (a kiss?  Not until I know his dental hygiene habits).  I admittedly went out on a lot of first dates,  so I thought I would pass along some advice from my experiences.  This is mostly directed towards men regarding first dates since that’s all I’ve ever dated, but I suppose it can be advice to anyone.

So men, on first dates, please don’t:

1) Go on a hike with someone and comment on how profusely she sweats, even if true (especially when you have white foamy stuff coming out of the corners of your mouth).

2) Ask her if she has brothers or sisters… five times during the date.

3) Go on a lovely stroll down Pacific Beach pier, notice a light in the far off distance, and ask if she thinks that’s Alcatraz (since it is probably Del Mar, which is about a half-hour away versus 9-10 hours away).

4) Talk about porn out of the blue.

5) Sit down at a restaurant with a woman and, when the waitress comes over to the table, give each other a knowing glance and smirk.  It tends to give off the notion that this is the upteenth date of the week.

6) Ask to stop in at a store before walking down to the beach, only to walk out with a bottle in a paper bag.

7) Talk about your ex or other failed relationships.

8) Say (if you asked her out from the gym), “Wow, you look so nice outside the gym!” (I mean, E for effort, but just stop at nice.)

9) When she’s obviously older than you and she reveals her age, say, “Man, really??  You look good for your age.” O_O

10) Notice the woman is Filipino and ask if she speaks Filipinese (or, like my friend told me, ask her if she speaks Mexican.  OR, like my best friend proclaimed to someone how he was part Norwegian and she asked where Norwegia was).

11) Don’t try to one-up her in a conversation – “Oh, Costa Rica? Yeah, that was one of my stops during a three-month trip.” (best said in a haughty manner)

12) Don’t ogle other women so blatantly in front of her.  Like I tell my guy friends whose girlfriends/wives get mad when doing this, practice “one-alligator-two-alligator-look-away!” (and master it to one-alligator).

And men, I know that women probably do things equally faux pas.   So if there’s other dating horror or humor stories, spill it. 🙂

Edit: And of course, this is all just meant for humor and only my viewpoint… I certainly don’t believe that I speak on behalf of everyone, or anyone for that matter! 🙂

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46 thoughts on “Men, on first dates, please don’t…

  1. Funny! I’ve been out of the dating game for a while, but I don’t think I’ve committed any of your listed blunders.

    I’m just glad I found such a wonderful wife who puts up with my wacky habits and quirky behavior. I guess that means I must have wowed her on the first date! 🙂

    • Aww, you two are so adorable, and obviously very in love! 🙂 B has some pretty quirky mannerisms, too, but I think it’s all part of his charm.

  2. Just wanted to add something to #10, if she’s Indian don’t ask her if she speaks Indian. This happens to me a lot.

    • Ooh, I forgot that happened to my other friend, as well! I think perhaps maybe ask what the language/dialect is, and then ask if he/she speaks it, might be the way to go. 🙂

  3. The Alcatraz comment is hilarious! Hard (or maybe easy?) to believe people are that stupid!

    While I haven’t done any of the things you mentioned, I did fart really loud on a third or fourth date one time. Ooops. In retrospect, wish that would have been the end of that relationship, but unfortunately it dragged on for long after.

    • I know, I felt so bad correcting him, but I can’t lie very well. Contingent on it not being on purpose, I think farts accidentally coming out are kind of hilarious and endearing… I know what you mean about relationships dragging, too. But, it seems like it all worked out with Mrs. 1500, I love her rants!

  4. LOL! I’m glad I wasn’t sipping on my tea when I read “3) Go on a lovely stroll down Pacific Beach pier, notice a light in the far off distance, and ask if she thinks that’s Alcatraz (since it is probably Del Mar, which is about a half-hour away versus 9-10 hours away).” Oh my. The many joys of dating. 🙂 I”m tall so I’ve dealt with some men who were uncomfortable being shorter than me. Fortunately my husband is the same height as me and actually encourages me to wear heels a be taller than him. :

    • Yeah, I’m pretty awkward, too, especially if I like a guy, so I wouldn’t put it past them to gripe stuff about me, as well. 🙂

    • Fair enough – I put a disclaimer at the end. I definitely agree these are just my opinions and not meant as a guideline by any means. 🙂

    • Wow, 16, you two have been together for awhile! I have a few friends that married their high school sweethearts, I think that’s amazing and really romantic.

  5. Oh my~ These are funny and sad at the same time.
    I had this one crazy guy who gave me a ring box walking out of the restaurant after dinner and when my face turned into horror, he said he’s just kidding. He stuck pieces of paper inside the box and thought this was so funny. What an idiot!

  6. I could write a whole post in response but I’ll stick you with my current favorite. “Hey, I think I know why you’re single. It’s because you don’t have an opposite-sex sibling. You know, people that grow up with siblings of the opposite sex know HOW TO DEAL WITH THEM.” Pause. “That doesn’t mean that they have sex with their siblings or anything, though.”

    • Um, wow… way to analyze someone so incorrectly, and that’s great that he clarified exactly what type of relations with the last statement. I’m curious whether you countered with perhaps why he is single? 🙂

    • Haha, I know, right? I felt so bad for correcting him, because while I was doing so I pretty much knew that I was going to tell all my friends about this one. 🙂

    • I used to love that show, but we don’t get Bravo anymore. 😦 Patti got a little over dramatic in later series, but I really liked some of her advice. Thanks for stopping by!

  7. Oh god! I hate when people try to one up you, oggle other women, or say wildly inappropriate things after just meeting. It just makes you want to give up. Hopefully you won’t be needing anymore first dates 😉 thanks for brightening the day with some humor!

    • Haha, glad I was able to brighten your day! I actually didn’t mind dating, it was always fun to meet someone new. That being said, I’m definitely extremely happy with my current bf… he says silly things that could make up a whole other post. 🙂

    • Ooh, I hate that, too! Same goes for friends and family – I mean, I drove all this way to hang, and you’re texting someone you probably see every day? Not cool.

  8. Lol at #3! I am so glad I was not sipping my coffee while reading that one. I know it makes perfect sense to see something like that that’s over 9-10 hours away. Thankfully, after looking at your list, there was nothing I was guilty of…but us men can certainly be absolute boneheads at times. 😉

    • I know, I was thinking “hrm, unless he has Superman vision, I think he might be incorrect…” I have my dingbat moments, too, so I’m not immune. Perhaps I’ll make a post about my “Why did I say that?!” moments in the future 😉

  9. When I got to #1 “Go on a hike with someone and comment on how profusely she sweats, even if true (especially when you have white foamy stuff coming out of the corners of your mouth).” I knew this was going to be a good and funny read. Awesome post!

    • Haha, yeah, I was fascinated as to where the foam stuff was coming from, but not curious enough to ask or point it out. Glad you enjoyed!

  10. Thankfully I haven’t been on a first date in a long time. I did go on one (and only one) date with a guy once who took me out to a lovely dinner. We got along really well during dinner and had a few drinks. Towards the end of the night he asked me to go to a bar. I told him “no” because I had to work the next day. His response, “Oh so I guess, you’re not going to ask me back to your place?”. Umm no thanks and I’ll get a cab home.

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  13. I’ve been told after being hugged that it was a surprise that I smelled good, because women after a certain age smelled bad. He forgot to mention the extra 100 pounds (no exaggeration) that he had gained but had provided a picture from 10 years before.Yes, it was a shock..

    • Wow, a guy really said that?? Some people have no clue… I totally hate it when they have outdated pictures, too. Some of my friends do that, even, and I try to discourage it but they’re convinced it will bring more people in… I just think it’s misleading.

  14. OH wow, I have some HORROR stories! Like ‘I don’t talk to my flatmate’s gf’, I asked why ’cause I used to date her, but I broke up with her cause I didn’t have my life together to have a gf’ me:’so, now you do? and you are totally over her’…. I just ran away. Actually I just read a funny speed dating reaction via tweets (not written by me) but I won’t spam you with it

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